Come Correctly: He Said (part 2)
Words: Antoine Kinch • Jan 11th, 2008 • Category: SUBSTANCE.
Come Correctly (photo by Square Rootz)
Ed Note: This is a two-part article on the “Art of the Holla.” To see her story, click here.
“What are you bringing to the table?”
‘What Have You Done for Me Lately?’ is the 1986 single from Janet Jackson’s third album, Control. This is a funny paradigm in that, 20 years later, it would be the song sung by many modern 20 or 30-something males to single females trying to gain just that – control.
In the previous article, Jessica Jones tells men to “come correctly” when trying to “holla” at an unsuspecting female. Okay, well to join her ….let’s also be real. It is not always about saying the right thing or coming up with the right “line”. Jessica said it best: “She knows if she wants to pursue you almost instantaneously,” so sometimes it doesn’t even matter what you say. Sometimes saying nothing at all and ignoring her is your best bet! When it comes to the traditional game of “cat and mouse”, some rules have changed and some have not. This formula remains: Men chase, women choose.
Gentlemen, remember that junior high school dance when you wanted to dance with the most popular girl in school and she danced with another guy? The girl that you met in the mall that gave you the wrong number? The cutie at the club that said she did not give her phone number out, so she took yours instead and never called? From an early age we are trained to accept rejection and keep it moving.
We have an unspoken advantage. A quality that many women lack - resilience. It is a numbers game. It may be cliché but, “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again” (not necessarily with the same one though). Do women really think that educated, eligible bachelors are ignorant to the fact that we are in high demand and in short supply? Realistically, we have choice - not chance -on our side. Over the years, men have gotten better at the game from listening to women say that all the “good” men are either in jail, uneducated, broke, trifling or gay. NOT SO! We are just not that into YOU!
The man you are looking for is out there. Let me help my sistas out by letting you know some simple things that will separate you from the pack. These are “factors”, if you will, that today’s man can appreciate. The crazy thing is that most of you already know these things; you have just gotten so independent in your ways that you may have forgotten or ignored some traditional values.
CAN YOU COOK?
What happened to the saying “the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach?” Have you learned nothing from the movie Lady and the Tramp? Even a dog without a collar knows where to get a good cooked meal. He may roam for a few days, but he knows his way home. If my mom can get me to drive home from Philadelphia to New York (two hours each way) for a plate, just imagine the possibilities. A lot of the new modern independent women have lost touch with this simple and most important value. It also says a lot about you. It can tell us: 1) what your upbringing was like, 2) what are your dietary likes / dislikes, 3) your culture (Italian, Mexican, West Indian, Soul Food), 4) can you do more than make reservations, and 5) if my kids will starve. The fact remains the same: Men love a home-cooked meal. Now, we are not saying that you have to be big momma or mammy in the kitchen with the apron and the head tie, but after working hard to bring home the bacon, can you fry it up in the pan? Get your Williams-Sonoma game up!
PRETTY DUNCE
Can you hold an intellectual conversation? And I do not mean, “What’s your favorite video on 106 and Park?”. When politics are discussed, or the current state of the euro vs. the dollar, do you turn your head and look out the window or quickly change the subject? These women wonder why the thugs with gold teeth or the dudes with five baby mamas keep hollering at them. The answer is simple: you are a trophy. A lot of women pride themselves in the way they look and what they can put down in the bedroom. Often, they don’t concentrate on how to stimulate the other major muscle – the brain. Please, we beg of you: tell us something we don’t know, put me on to something, and teach me something new. Stay up to date with current affairs, and not just the latest on Britney Spears.
DUTCH CHOCOLATE
While we are on the subject of money, it is no secret that women are attracted to men who have some, no matter what they look like. Most are looking for security and a good life. Times are different now, though. Women are better educated, and make just as much - if not more – money than men. They also get married later, and enjoy their single lives – playing the field all the while. So, why are we still paying for everything? Why are we not considered gentlemen or called cheap if we don’t break the bank to take women to the latest hot spot to impress them? Ladies, you can help yourselves. Try going Dutch sometime. It is only fair right? Invest in your experiences, it will help alleviate tension, lower expectations, and it might actually earn you points. It is a wonderful feeling when the financial burden of a “good” time is not all on us. Unfortunately, some women do use men for their money, and you can also eliminate this accusation and classification (Now, I ain’t saying she a goldigger but..…) by doing your part. Chivalry is not dead, we can open doors, pull out chairs, stand when a woman enters a room, and walk on the right side of the street. But when you walk her to the door and you get a kiss on the cheek or the “booty-out” hug (you know, the pat on the back hug where her booty is poked way out, so that her stomach or pelvis does not touch his?) you feel like a fool. You have to pay to play.
HOUSTON, WE HAVE A PROBLEM
Simply put: Be down to earth. Impressions can be very close to reality. That stuck up, bourgeois, spoiled chick attitude is not cute. And the ghetto, loud, animated ignorant attitude will only get you leftovers and phone calls after 11p.m. I don’t care what type of fashion labels you wear, what celebrity you know, what type of car you drive (if you drive at all), where you went with your girls on your last getaway or how much money you have. You should not have to “sell” me on what or who you are. Be careful about how you present yourself. It will be revealed to me in time. It might be time for some internal housekeeping.
SPARE CHANGE
A man can tell one woman something and have it retain the intended meaning. He can then turn around and tell a different woman the same exact thing and the meaning changes. What part of “I am not interested in a deep, meaningful, monogamous relationship” did you not understand? Don’t pressure a man for a relationship or marriage. This is not a good way to get what you want. Don’t date a man for several months, and think that after you reach certain “milestones” he will change his mind about you and then want to be a part of a new relationship. Chances are unless he verbalizes it on his own, he’s content with things the way they are. Most men are creatures of habit and rarely change things on their own unless they are forced. Be honest with him and yourself. If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it, unless the need to upkeep is obvious to both of you.
Antoine Kinch is a staff writer for Square Rootz. Recognize!
Email this author | See all Square Rootz writing by Antoine Kinch
[...] Come Correctly (photo by Square Rootz)This is a two-part article on the “Art of the Holla.” To see his story, click here. [...]
Wow. Well put. Now I just have to find a way to work “Get your Williams-Sonoma game up!” into a conversation.
Does Top Ramen count as cooking? ‘Cuz, y0u know, you gotta get the water at the right temperature. And mix all three ingredients in at the perfect time.
But that’s my specially.
Well said sir….but thought this was suppose to be about the holla. No mention of how a woman should approach a man, but really on how to be with a man. Real question: do fine, intelligent, black women ever really holla at a dude they see on the street? I’ve only met a few, but there is definitely an art to it.
word word.
@ Billions, yes, there are some fine, intelligent, black women that will holla at a man on the street. I’ve never done it, but I would. I have done it in the club and I have even sent drinks over to guys that I may have been wanting to talk to. But the real question is, do you really want a woman trying to holla at you? I thought you “men” wanted the chase? I personally don’t belive in playing games so if I’m interested, I will say something
AK, great article my dear! You already know I agree with every word, except the cooking part. Everyone knows I cook, but you need to be upgrade from “first date” to “dating” for me to make that kind of effort for you. I’m going to start asking men if they can “do the do” if one more person asks me if I can cook…. I’m not on this earth to cook for you!
Can WE cook? Um no. Can YOU cook? Where is the reciprocity here??? Gentlemen, get YOUR Williams-Sonoma game up.
“booty-out hug” huh? funny…and I can’t remember the last time i debated the euro vs the dollar, but I’ma google it just to have in my back pocket for my next date.
All jokes aside, i think you nailed it on the head. However…I DEFINITELY agree with ashleyjoy. For all the women i know, the way to our hearts is through out stomach.
My most recent boyfriend could cook - and cook well. Too bad things didn’t work out…a tear.
Well, I must say that is an accurate description of me, Mr. Kinch. lol.
On a more serious note, I think this is a well written piece. It is a shame that guys complain about not finding those qualities in women today.
I may be a little old-fashioned being from the South, but my father never had any complaints from my mom’s behavior. I learned a lot from that environment and one thing is that when women display those characteristics, men don’t mind taking care of her.
Great Article!!
But who wants to be taken care of? That is not what I am asking for….
I want to be taken care of and I want to be with a partner that feels I’m taking care of him also. Taking care doesn’t mean paying my bills. I simply want (and thankfully have) someone who gives what they can, and compliments me and the areas of my life where I need support and extra love. I don’t mind whipping up a meal and cleaning, because that’s what I’m good at. A balanced relationship and reciprocity will help men and women let go of gender hangups.
We as young adults (in general) put waaaaayyyy too much into this “dating” concept.
The simple solution is: Are the “pros” outweighing the “cons”?
Besides, I may tell you that I’m not much of a chef in the early stages because it may not be one of my favorite things to do however…we all know good and well - and if I may quote my eloquent sista Jill Scott:
“..u put it down last nite, knocked me out and had me thinkin bout waking up alright -
do u want some money baby,
how bout some chicken wings,
do u want some fish and grits? Ill hurry and go get it…”"
- “Whatever”
On the other hand, MEN- you know that we as women could literally prep a slamming five course meal daily and there would still be something to complain about - we could provide the best loving that would make Superhead look like Mother Teresa - and there would still be something to complain about - we could look like Halle Berry - uuuuppp perfect example (Eric Benet) - and you would still want the next piece - we could hold the dialogue of Maya, Condoleeza and Oprah put together and there would still be something to complain about- what am I saying - all the attributes my dear friend Antoine outlined are relevant and true but no matter what we try to achieve and bring forth - YAWL WOULD STILL HAVE SOMETHING TO COMPLAIN ABOUT!!!
That’s why I’m a strong advocate in accepting ME for ME and “do”ing me at ALL times….You’re just not going to get the whole package whether you are a guy or female…there has to be compromise and let me be clear on not misconstruing compromise with settling - there is a difference but that’s another Oprah show….
Good Article Mr. Kinch - you know im a sucka for an intelligent, articulate man!!!
Well said! I agree with Denise! 4 kudos…
Finally we get to hear from the educated man with a sense of self and purpose. Obviously we women are tired of hearing from the not so educated, self loathing wanna be pimps and thugs otherwise Ms. Jones wouldn’t have written her article. Whether you agree with the ideas set forth by Mr. Kinch or not it does leave you with the question what do you bring to the table and what is important for others to bring in order to have that perfect dinner whether it be homecooked or at a five star restaurant. The article has started a conversation and we all know how important communication is to any relationship.
Good article Ant…we def. need to take it back to the old school in our relationships…the spirit of independence is a cancer for modern black love.
PREACH BROTHA!!!! LMAO!!! You can almost feel the passion Mr. Kinch had when he was writing this article. These damn NEW AGE women lol(just kidding ladies, don’t crucify me). I’m all for equality, what you want in a guy, we want in a lady. I’ve just had the last point happen to me and lost a good lady “friend” in the process. We came into the situation staing we want nothing serious from it. We’re both young professionals yadda-yadda-yadda, and as usual someone catches feelings. I think we all need to know what we want and not just go for everything in front of us. My man hit a bullseye with this article, I can’t touch it.
-Mav
I EXCRETE EXCELLENCE!!!
PS: Your mother must be the truth in the kitchen, can I get a plate next time you go home?!? LOL!
the overall goal is to be with someone who appreciates you and your attributes. i don’t cook, not because i don’t love but because that’s not what i do well. he doesn’t pay for everything because that’s not how our relationship works best.
the reality is that there is no magic formula that is right for all people. be you and find someone in love with YOU, not your representative.
i thought the article was going to chronic the right way to approach a man, not keep a man. lol i “holla”‘d at every dude i’ve ever been with. they are usually surprised and appreciative that i stepped to them. all three times me going after what i wanted lead to long term (2+ years) relationships and this last time we are getting married in July. we both know who the other is and we appreciate the good, the bad, and the ugly in ourselves and each other.
confidence and security in self is the best way to find someone that will compliment your life. we’re partners in this.
chronical …. lol
Feeling you Shay. Guys, how would you like a female to approach you?
I applaud you Shay, and i think you should encourage more of your sisters to go after what they want. One of the reasons women do not muster up the courage to do what we do, is because they are not used to being turned down. This is what women otherwise refer to as the Power of the “P”. Have you ever seen the look on a woman’s face when you say “No thank you” ? SHOCK.
Now, I am not saying that a woman hollering at a man does not happen, it is just pretty rare. Or should I have written about Pegasus, Leprechauns, or Bigfoot ? The frequency (and ratio) of a woman approaching a man is not as high as how many times a man approaches a woman and therefore would have given me so much less to write about! (This is why I decided to focus on a man’s resilience to rejection, and what happens after the connection is made.
If she is confident enough within herself and does want to “holla”, I can only speak for myself when I say that I appreciate sophistication. If you step to me and I can see right through you and there is no depth, no mystery or air of complexity, than there is nothing to chase (no prize). Say something to peak my interest after the initial “Hi, how are you?” Ask me who I am and not just “what I do”. There is a big difference. Turn the tables and make me want to “holla back”. (I am a Leo, so stroking my ego will get my attention, but not keep it).
I reiterate Men Chase, women choose.
When I was single, I had no problem approaching a guy and expressing my interest. But, there’s an old school belief out there that most relationships that start with the female making the original first move won’t go too far because it sets the tone of the woman being the aggressor. What does everyone think about that?
Mr. Kinch article is real, and by reading others comments, theres no guarantee that these will help women get/or keep a man. However a few tips that Mr. Kinch is offering will lead a woman on the right track to hook that man she’s really into. I think the main point of the article is telling us women that we get over our sense of entitlement for a man to bend at our whims, and have us think about what we can bring to the table to hold his interest. Because we women complain about that there is no good men out there, but you’ll find that same woman is dating losers, (i.e. no job, living w/ his mama, no high aspirations).
And Shay has a great point about being secure and confident within ourselves, and that makes a major difference. Does insecurity and unsurness attractive? But all in all we have to be true to ourselves and not just lie to kick it. I think women today with this whole “independent”, “I don’t need a man” mentality can actually try to apply these things, and she may…I don’t know…better herself at the end, may catch the attention of that man of interest.
I have only approached a man once. I initiated the conversation and gave him my number. It felt great. He said that he lived two subway stops away from me (more than 4 stops is a deal breaker) and that he would hit me up to hang out sometime. I am still waiting for that call. I did, however, see him hugged up with who I am assuming is his girlfriend at the Nostrand stop off of the C train on Thanksgiving. And then I saw them together again a few weeks later. So he was probably taken and just being nice by taking my number. Sadly, ever since then, I have not had the guts to approach another guy. I’ll try it again and see if I have any luck.