Come Correctly: She Said (part 1)
Words: Jessica Jones • Jan 12th, 2008 • Category: SUBSTANCE.
Come Correctly (photo by Najma Nuriddin)
Ed Note: This is a two-part article on the “Art of the Holla.” To see his story, click here.
The secret to winning an all-season boo
If you’re a female — and you’re breathing — chances are you’ve been the victim of a holla. (By holla we mean a frivolous, and often failed, attempt of a guy to “get at” a girl with annoying one-liners like “Hey little mama you look good,” “What yo’ name is?” or “Can I get in them jeans?”) A lady can’t even walk down the street without someone from the male gender bombarding her with this nonsense.Let’s be real. Do males really think these tired lines work on women? After the classic, “Dannnnnnng mommy you look good…can I get yo’ number?” do you envision us replying with: “Aww, really? Yes; I always knew you were the one?” (For the record, if she is not your mom, she probably doesn’t like you calling her mommy, either.) Better yet, after you see us walking down the street and you whistle out the window of your souped up bucket, do you expect us to hijack the next biker we see and peddle after you in an attempt to follow-up? Take a minute and think to yourself: has this childish behavior ever really worked?
I didn’t think so.
And if you are continuing to justify your actions with that single incident last year when it was successful, you’re way off. The one girl who did respond to your ridiculousness was either a.) insecure b) desperate c) tacky/hood d) carrying an STD or e) all of the above. If this is what you want, then go for it–but if not, listen up. In an effort to stop the madness, and maybe even prompt a connection, I have come up with a handy list on how to get the attention of a classy lady.
DON’T RUSH IT
This is perhaps the most important step. Take a minute. Be easy. What’s the rush? Spend a few minutes asking the girl some questions about herself. And if you are seeing her on a regular basis (i.e. school or work) don’t holla at her the first time you approach her. Act like you just want to get to know her and the holla simply ensued because, upon getting to know her, you liked what you saw (not because you thought she was cute).
BE ORIGINAL
Steer clear of the cliché questions like, “Where are you from?” and “What do you like to do for fun?” The city that you are both in is probably the same city she is from. Half of the time you don’t even know what you mean by that question. I often find myself having to give a hefty–and pointless–explanation when a guy asks me where I’m from. More often than not, he means “Do you reside here?” not “Where were you born?” See it’s confusing even explaining it. Also, the “What do you like to do for fun?” question is just as unavailing. What do you mean what do we like to do for fun? The same things everyone does: hang out with friends, go to the movies, travel, shower, read, and occasionally stare at the wall. Not joking.
COMMENT ON HER ENERGY
If you are given no choice but to holla upon first approach (I understand this is often the case) then say her energy is what initially attracted you. This is a good solution when you don’t want to say her looks are what got you interested, but you don’t know her enough to say that her excellent personality prompted your inquiry. Girls like to know that they exude a positive aura. Really, those who have true game are hip to the energy tip. It works every time.
DON’T ACT LIKE YOU ARE APPROACHING HER FOR HER LOOKS
You should have gotten this by now, but then again you should have gotten a lot of things…and you haven’t. So I am taking it upon myself to make this step crystal clear. A girl is not impressed with a guy who tries to get at her based solely on physical attraction. Trust me. Don’t over compliment her about how beautiful she is (although saying beautiful will get you more points than fine or sexy). Besides, a cute girl already knows she looks good. She has to hear it all the time from other dudes on the street. Make yourself stand apart, my brotha. Don’t go there.
BE CONFIDENT
The “I’m-a-shy-guy-who-doesn’t-normally-approach-females” approach is almost laughable. Been there. Heard that. We are women, not idiots. We can see through that innocent/insecure routine a mile away. Act like you are the man (without being cocky or overly trying to impress her). Girls like a guy who is secure.
IF SHE HAS A DUDE, GIVE IT UP
There is nothing girls hate more than a pest who tries to get her to be unfaithful. Don’t accuse her of making her relationship up and then try to test her on how many months they have been together. This is pathetic. Bow out gracefully and wish her and her beau a lifetime of happiness.
Similarly, if she says she is a lesbian, take her word for it. And no, you can’t watch.
IF SHE DISSES YOU, TAKE IT LIKE A MAN
If she is not feeling you, then don’t counter with a childish, “Well you ain’t cute anyway.” We all know that you are just hurt, embarrassed, and you don’t know how to channel your humiliation. Man up. Take that rejection like a solider. She will respect you for it and, if you’re lucky, somewhere down the road the tables may turn and she could end up liking you. Oh, and the persistence thing is not effective either. She knows if she wants to pursue you almost instantaneously. When it comes to hollarin’, the classic “if at first you don’t succeed try, try again” mantra is void. Being excessively forceful won’t get you anything but 10 to 20.
Jessica Jones is spending these days penning articles about black culture, music and fashion for magazines and newspapers like Black Enterprise, Vapors, Vibe.com and The Village Voice.
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Loved the article! Great job!
Cliff notes? Aint no black man reading all that!
[...] Ed Note: This is a two-part article on the “Art of the Holla.” To see her story, click here. [...]
This is really real. Truthful in every way.
This is great…I’ve seen many of my friends fall victim to going against some of these rules, LOL!!! Jess, you should put this on the drink menu at a bar, you’ll save a lot of these cats out here…hahahaha…
Good stuff.
Peace.
LOVE IT. no more “sssssst! hey baby girl!”
I can dig all of that. And I apologize on behalf of all my sex that has succumbed to the perils of the uneducated “holla”. However: 1) Girls with guys do infact like to cheat. often. 2) The shy-but-genuine routine runs damn near flawless victories 90% of the time and 3) As all non amatuer baggers know,strategically placed compliments on female beauty are guarenteed brownie points.
I like the article but please ladies, lets not hoodwink the game deficient men out there with visions of granduer by suggesting that classic lines, compliments and a cocky I-already-fucked-you-in-my-mind-while-approaching-you-so-if-you-play-me-or-not- I-dont-care attidude wont get the numerical contact.
***TIP 4 the guys*** : Give her your number and cut the convo short. Its a good way to manuver through the maneur.
***TIP 4 the guys (2)***: Ask her for her email address. Makes you look professional.
And Oh Yea….
Rick Burns? Only unintelligent men wouldnt read the whole thing…
…Please fellas, dont make us look bad on the comments. Thanx
Enjoyed the article. Walking the streets of NY has given me a glimpse of how much lameness you women must endure. Hopefully someone will benefit from this candid advice.
Yes, it’s rough out there. It makes a girl not want to step foot outside the house. Especially in a cute outfit!
Let me put a little paint where it aint for my fellas. Ya Dig?
Context and not so much content is very important! Unless you meet the unsuspecting ( or expecting for that mater) female at one of her performances, in a business meeting, or through a mutual friend introduction - chances are you are going to approach her based on first glance (or second or third). I would say just try not to make it too obvious that you want to “holla”. You can always tell her that it was her booty that attracted you to her and not her inner beauty, on your 3rd or 4th date (cause she will ask you anyway) while yall talk over that expensive dinner that you pay for since she can’t cook!
Hey! I resent that! What you mean that YOU pay for. I go dutch every time…usually. Please, we know you all are broke too!
Great article!
A few things I’d thought of…
Men who get women are keen, charming, and have extremely active predictive minds. The forementioned must be cultivated before your side-walk debut! Your approach should look from a far like two old friends reuniting, it should feel natural. You should walk away smiling- and so should she. The approach is a tricky art that requires confidence, empathy, and tact all working in concert. Women offer men valuable cues, and men must pay attention. The wonderful bit is in that women absolutely want to meet men, however, they may not want to meet you. They will let you know through bodylanguage. Identify women who want to meet you, and meet them.
It works..
I think the article is pretty well written.
No you don’t need Cliff’s Notes and PhillyPimpin’ are you really a pimp? Nonetheless, thanks for your comments.
All I have to say is…the whole “conscious” approach…stepping up to me and telling me how radiant my aura is, or that I have the energy of Sojourner Truth is just as tired as the classic pick up lines…
now that there is this seemingly divide between the “conscious” brothers and the white tees, there has been a slight adjustment in the art of holleration…i have locks and i guess in the minds of guys, that means i shop at Whole Foods, Trader Joes, burn Nag Champa, am vegan, and ride a bike everywhere I go… so said brother thinks it imperative to spark a conversation around one of these subjects thinking we’ll hit it off…in a conscious way.
it’s tired, and irritating. i’d much rather the guys stick to rule no. 2 and be original. no one has ever complimented me on how well arched my eyeborws are…no i won’t think you’re gay, i’ll just think you are kind of different…and brothers, that is a good thing, because you can buy more time being different..versus sounding like all the rest of the “hey mommies” that we get bombarded by when wearing a cute outfit in the summer…i guarantee you, if you compliment a sista on her eyebrows, you will have deduced the chances of her immediately walking away by at least 50%.
Try it homies!
I knew it would be at least one guy on this to agree to every detail of this article. I feel y’all on most of it. And your right for the most part except for that energy crap! But I’ve noticed that women where I’m from(Philly) tend to be a bit more frigid than women from out of town, thats one reason why we ask where you are from. Nice guys normally do finish last or close to it. And to me its mind boggling that women would think that initially guys approached them because of their personality or their “energy”, I wonder if I approached the editor with ” How are you doin’ Sis, my name is ____ and I’ve noticed that you give off this really great energy and you aura is so orange right now that I just had to try to get to know you” how she would respond. I normally just go the funny route. Pick-Up Lines are INDEED still cool! They just have to be creative, I figure the more corny the more funny I’d try something like ” See the key to a sucessfull pick-up line is to make the girl laugh I’d say something so corny you’d just have to smile like “Hi my name is ____ I’m a libra, I enjoy long chats on myspace and catching a flick on youtube, I think you are the finest thing that happened to computers since the internet, can you be in my Top 8?!?” Something like that you gotta be creative, just commenting on looks won’t get you far, also I learned that if you can manage to compliment a girls without saying “damn girl your _____ is _____” you’re doing pretty good. All-in-all, it’s all about your swagger, and confidence. But I’m gonna work on that picking up on a girls energy thing, if that garbage really works than I’ll start practicing honing in on Ms. Jones’ energy right now……………. OH YEAH!!!! It’s Positive LOL!!!
-Mav
I EXCRETE EXCELLENCE!!!
Wow, Jess. having been the victim of a holla once or twice, naturally I loved, and agreed with, every word. Kudos!
sound advice BUT, i would advice against the energy thing, it has been beaten to death by the “deepies” and when you start commenting on auras and energies, she will pigeon holes you into a the bad poet who wears old birkinstocks camp. And that is a bad place to be in a woman’s mind.
THE KEY my young male peers is to make it look like an accident that you are even talking and then extract the contact info under the pretense of some other purpose than dating or romance.
i.e. *** young man is reading complicated looking book, looks confused and leans over to the woman*** “excuse me do you know what “effusive” means?”
and then after you craft a convo around that exchange…
“im studying for the gre.. and need a partner… etc…”
unfortunately the culture of misogyny has castrated all forms of random and anonymous romantic solicitation even the polite and sincere ones.
I enjoyed the article, as well as all the comments as they were an interesting read. I believe confidence is sexy for both parties, its 2008, if you do not go for what you want, then you may never get it. People are human and we all pretty much enjoy the same type of things, just be truthful, conversational, and a little comedy goes a long way. i liked the site, keep up the good work…