Online Dating Part 1: SBF Seeks SBM
Words: Patrice Williams • May 13th, 2008 • Category: GOODS.
Hey, why not?
LL COOL J AIN’T THE ONLY ONE THAT NEEDS LOVE
A few quick facts for you: For every 100 single Black women, there are 70 single Black men and 40% of Black women will never marry.
Damn, those sound like some serious, depressing stats. It’s hard out there for Black women. And yours truly, is starting to feel the pain. After having a steady male companion in my life for almost two years, I’m back on the dating scene and the picture doesn’t look pretty. To me, dating and NYC just don’t seem to go hand and hand.
Everyone’s always in a rush - myself included. Too caught up in the daily grind of NYC to really connect with another human being. Too rushed to notice the cutie on the subway who’s been eyeing you for the past three stops or the guy in line with you at Dunkin Donuts who has been trying his hardest to strike up a conversation. And, my past dating experiences haven’t fared too well: there was the pretty boy who was too into himself to ever really be into me, the lush who got pissy drunk on our first -and last!- date and the jerk who failed to mention he already had a girl. Ugh! But, I refuse to turn into a bitter Betty and swear all men off.
So where do you go to find that special someone?
- Clubs and/or afterwork happy hours: I’ve tried Wednesdays at Aura and Thursdays at Nest. Not horribly impressed by either. And, can you really connect with someone with a speaker blaring in your ear?
- Work: Though 40% of people have admitted to dating a co-worker, it’s just a bad, bad idea. If the relationship sours, you’re stuck with seeing your former boo at least five days a week.
-Through friends: Your homies are a great resource when it comes to meeting a new person. But, it can also backfire. If you’re not really feeling the person, you may blame your well-intentioned friend for the bad hookup and you may have to see your lame-o date if you’re in the same social circles. Awkwardness for all involved.
I’ve tried all of the above options with little success, so what’s a single gal in the city to do? I recently found out that a former boss of mine met her husband via online dating, so I figured, why not give it a shot? Everywhere you turn, there are advertisements for dating sites and Dr. Phil even appears in Match.com commercials encouraging singles to log on so you can “find the person who’s been waiting for you since the day you were born.” There was a time that those who dabbled in online dating were labeled losers who couldn’t hack it out in the real world, but that stigma is gone. When I let those around me know that I was seriously considering online dating, I was greeted with “tell me which sites work, so I can register for them,” instead of looks of disapproval. So, clearly I’m not the only one looking for a romantic connection.
But first, let’s get one thing straight: I don’t look at being single as a curse or a plague I need a cure from. I just recently noticed it’s been years since I’ve felt that brand-new-infatuated feeling. You know what I’m talking about, when you get slightly nervous/excited knowing you’re about to see the person and when you find their jokes funny, even though they’re not really all that funny. I’m not looking for a serious relationship right now, I just want a guy who: makes my heart skip a beat, has the patience to teach me how to play pool, and wouldn’t mind cuddling on the couch on a Friday night listening to Donny Hathaway.
Hopefully with some online help, I can find that mighty, mighty good man Salt-n-Pepa were rapping about
In the past week I’ve signed up for a variety of sites: Crazy Blind Date, eHarmony, Soul Singles, Black Singles and Meetup.com’s Black New York Singles group to see who’s out there. So far, the results have been…well, you’ll have to tune in for the next installment where I’ll offer up tips for creating an effective dating profile, review the pros and cons of each site and hopefully I’ll be able to report back on all of the amazing suitors who’ve contacted me.
In the meantime, feel free to hit me up with any other dating sites and/or NYC hot spots you think I should try in order to find my summertime boo. I hope you’ll take this two month journey with me and until the next time we speak, I’ll keep beating those dating streets.
Links for stats:
For every 100 single black women, there are 70 single black men:
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2006/10/07/AR2006100701070.html
40% Black women who never marry:
http://dailynightly.msnbc.msn.com/archive/2007/11/20/476352.aspx
40% dated co-worker:
http://www.startribune.com/local/15635182.html
Patrice Williams is a true budget fashionista. Strike up a convo with her about tasty cuisine, Donny Hathaway or thrift stores and the shy girl will talk your ear off. Her current obsessions include keeping her MacBook clean, vintage accessories and making homemade natural hair care products.
Email this author | See all Square Rootz writing by Patrice Williams
See, in my experience, the problem is that too many Black women don’t give black men enough of a chance. Many times Black women want the cool, trendy dudes, when their needs could be much better fulfilled by a so-called square guy, someone who has his shit together and doesn’t try to run game just so he can hit it and quit it.
Too many times I have seen Black women give up on Black men altogether and go for white boys because they have no patience to wait for the right person to come along.
I mean, why force it with a dating web site, where people can misrepresent themselves without thinking twice about it? I found my dream girl by not looking for her, and each time I’ve had a good relationship with a woman it hasn’t been forced at all. And I think we can all agree that resorting to online dating is a forced action; it isn’t natural.
For too long Black woman have blamed the lack of eligible Black men on incarceration, homosexuality and death, and while the statistics are indeed overwhelming, I feel it’s a cop out also.
It is my firm opinion that if Black women would let their guards down just a bit and be more open to meeting different types of Black men then their worries of not meeting the right guy would be vastly diminished. Just my opinion, though…
Interesting points “yawn.” But I definitely don’t see online dating as a forced action. Like you said, Black women should “be more open to meeting different types of Black men” and I’m simply utilizing an online method to find that beautiful chocolate man that I might not bump into in my everyday life.
I do agree that it’s easy for people to misrepresent themselves in an online profile, but someone can initially misrepresent themselves regardless of how you meet them! Eventually someone’s true colors shine through and you see them for who they are. Real recognizes real.
Yes, the stats are a a bit gloomy, but I would never give up on Black men (and I hope that’s not the message you took away from reading the piece).
I’m just interested in seeing where this “experiment” takes me and why not bring my Square Rootz folks along with me? Nothing to lose!
I’m all for the online dating! Hell, you meet someone where/how you can meet them. I don’t think anything about dating/online dating can ever be “forced.” Whether you’re meeting your boo online or however, a connection either develops or it doesn’t.
And I would never say Black women have given up on Black men. Statistically, Black men are the MOST likely of any group to marry outside their race, Black women are the LEAST likely. So who’s really giving up on who…???
Well said Keish! Especially the point on who is giving up on who. And I don’t think there is anything wrong with online dating at all. It is 2008; everything we do is influenced by technology. I actually wrote an article about seniors dating online. Many of them found the love of their life through the internet!
I say do whatever works for you. And if that is meeting someone online,then more power to ya.
Hmm, I’ve tried match.com and know 2 others who have also, and nothing good came out of any of our experiences.
I’ve also tried soul singles, which I didn’t like; the quality of men on that site was seriously lacking. Then there was good ‘ol black planet, which was a joke, too.
I’m kind of turned off now by meeting men online moreso than the “regular” way. I still have faith in the traditional method but would never discourage anyone from trying the internet route.
This is a cool topic, and I’m eager to read how your journey comes along!
Jessica,
Black Planet’s still around???
I should have consulted you before signing up for Soul Singles…your observations are completely on point. But I’ll save the rest of my observations for Part 2 of the series (but you’ll get the inside dish this weekend Jess). Stay tuned!
recently, many of my friends have found themselves single and not really looking to find new boo’s. being the “honorary single chick” that they have dubbed me, i have encouraged them to sign up for online dating on multiple occasions. they always tell me that they will do it when they are seriously “desperate” and right now is not that time.
i commend you for signing yourself up and giving it a go! if i were single, SHOOT–i would do it in a heartbeat!
the one suggestion i have given my friends that they have found appealing (and by appealing i mean that they just want to drink and try it out in a group) is speed dating. if you try it, please please please let me know what you try and how it was! even though i have a bf, i have been intrigued by this idea for a long time as well.
lots of luck!
I hear from a lot of Black and Latino females that when it comes to online dating and events that cater to singles, the number of brothers who participate are usually very, very low. Brothers, what is that all about?
Personally, i feel its kind of a waste of money. These sites normally require a nominal fee for their services, when u can meet people anywhere, just stepping out of the house. Sometimes, that’s all it takes. And can sisters be just a bit more civil, if u approach a sister, and ur not what she’s looking for: ie( tall, thin, full head of hair, brand name clothing, bling), she will dismiss u with one look. What’s that about ladies, maybe if u didn’t walk around with ur nose up in the air, and/or a mean mug, then somebody might actually say hi to u.